Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this