Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
😜
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
This could’ve been an email.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?