Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal