Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Smooooooth
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
President The Rock Obama
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?