YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.