Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”