Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
handsome & gretel
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.