Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The booster protects against what, now?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.