Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.