I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese
Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.