Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
sir, my pâté if you please
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one