Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

Spider-cat: No One Home

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.