Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards