Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce