Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2