Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can鈥檛 fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we鈥檙e going back for them. Calm down
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I鈥檓 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Some of you are like family to me. I don鈥檛 want you calling me either.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My dad would freak tf out!馃ぃ馃拃
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you