Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
You Might Also Like
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.