“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
You Might Also Like
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Is this a threat?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…