@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

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@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@JohnFugelsang

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

@clintwebster

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

@majoleaguetweet

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@sageboggs

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”