Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.