Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.