Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
You Might Also Like
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”