Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.