“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.