Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I feel seen
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost