@3sunzzz
@myonlymizztake The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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@myonlymizztake 
@wildethingy I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
@Marlebean “Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
@GoldenSpirals My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
@bourgeoisalien I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
@ChicksRule I never needed anything more in my life
@KimmyMonte Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
@NoBadHairDays2 A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
@adamgreattweet gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
@JermHimselfish I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”