The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I never needed anything more in my life
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”