Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.