@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

@bewgtweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

@richardosman

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

@KateWouldHaveIt

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

@KayRants

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

@JohnHilsen

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.