Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist