‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
💀💀
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Finally!
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!