Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
You Might Also Like
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.