Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Taking phone security to the next level.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.