Yes, this is exactly right
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GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
And then there were 4
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.