Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?