“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
New tinder profile pic
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.