Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*