Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
my name if I was in the mob
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.