Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

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Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice


Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.


I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆


I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.


Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?


If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.


mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth


“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory


wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous