Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You Might Also Like
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Bike for sale
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.