Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
damn he’s good
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
barbara was highly relatable
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license