Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.