@THEDUTHCHESS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

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@deardilettante

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@iwearaonesie

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

@dshack8

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

@garrydavenport

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

@castawaykristen

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

@Gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

@CynicalLongkat

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”