yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
new shirt idea
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.