Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Worst bar ever.