Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The cashier just checked me out.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.