Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.