Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Children of the corn 🌽
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
LOOOOOOL
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names