Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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*orders delivery*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.