Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
#Caturday
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Lol
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?