Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
favorite tropes as memes