@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

You Might Also Like

@_Vaginasaurus

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

@KevinFarzad

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@thehubrispanda

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

@sunexplode

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

@lowkyhurt

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

@noog

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”