Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.


A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏


On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.


Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.


I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.


I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero


Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password


Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”