Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[shakes fist at other fist]
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?