yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*puts words between two asterisks*
my favorite genre of twitter
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
When can I start eating bats again.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP