Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Hot hot hot 🥵
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.