Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
You Might Also Like
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store