Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.