Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Are you ok, human???

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.