Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
October already? What’s next? November????
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?